نمونه رایتینگ تافل با نمره‌ی wr89772

Topic: TPO 44: Some people believe that when busy parents do not have a lot of time to spend with their children, the best use of that time is to have fun playing games or sports. Others believe that it is best to use that time doing things together that are related to schoolwork. Which of the two approaches do you prefer?

Since the dawn civilization, children has played a monumental role in all societies. Due to its paramount salience, scholars have strived to elevate the effectiveness of parenting behavior. In this regard, there is a never-ending discussion amidst academicians about the fact that parents must dedicate their time to children to play with them rather than doing other activities such as practicing with them on school works. In fact, it is a matter of opinion. Some people are aligned with this approach, whilst other have serious misgivings related this statement and constitute fundamental disagreement. Typically, when it comes to me, I tend to agree with this opinion. The specific reasons which I think are most prevalent nowadays are scrutinized as below.


The opponent of this strategy subscribe to the view that when parents are so busy with their work and do not have enough time to spend on their children, they should help them in their school work. They strongly believe that the main responsibility of parents is to develop scientific knowledge of their children and help them to be educated. The diversity and quantity of opportunities and wide spectrum of choices education provides children is the core motive for children guaranteeing the future. It affords them a chance to compete with other job hunters for a suitable career.


As regards one of the most noticeable virtue of this strategy is that it provides children a good memory about their parents. In future, when they look their life in retrospect, they cherish all their memories about their parents and they will vividly remember all these moments and praise the appropriate behavior of their parents. A noteworthy statistics conducted in a recent paper which was published in a peer-reviewed psychological journal reveal that approximately of 60 percent of children who epitomized their childhood memories, in future can experience a better life style and see the life in a more positive way and are more optimistic.


The last but not least reason by which this claim is justified by proponents is that this behavior can assure the health of children and decrease risks associated with suffering mental disorders. Children are exhausted and frustrated with academic subject learned in school and seek a place to be relaxed. It is huge pleasure for them to be able to come home to have a play with their parents and relieve stress and tension created during attending in class or coping with arduous projects. They have a burning desire to get great enjoyment out of gathering with their parents and do an amusing game all together. Indeed, Mental and psychological elements such as leisure activities accompany with parents are regarded as more pivotal and crucial factors in a child life in comparison with other factors such as practicing on school activities at home.


To recapitulate and from what have been discussed above, I wholeheartedly assert that if parents are so bustling with their personal staff, it is mandatory for them to dedicate entire their time to their children to experience an enjoyment moments. I vehemently object to approach of detractors' side and posit that their claim are unfounded. Although students should concentrate on their school work, their mentality situations stand in a staple position. It can be declared that the latter is more advantageous than the former. It is suggested that a survey conducted to pinpoint what other potential factor can boost the health of children.


 


 


 


status score
Word Choice | انتخاب واژگان inconsistent facility in sentence formation and word choice that may result in lack of clarity and occasionally obscure meaning: (3 3
Organization and Development | توسعه دادن نوشته inadequate organization or connection of ideas(2 2
Addressing Topic | بیان مسئله Limited development in response: (2 2
Unity, Progression and Coherence | یک پارچگی متن connection of ideas may be occasionally obscured(3 3
Grammar | ساختار های صحیح limited range of syntactic structures(3 3
Vocabulary | املای صحیح limited range of vocabulary(3 3

نظر مشاور

Since the dawn civilization...: Why don't you try to be more creative with your opening sentences? And such opening is suitable, for a BBC documentary on World War II. You don't need to make a trivial topic like this so epic!
paramount salience: Really? you can use this combination, for describing importance of religion to a society, not how the parents should play with their children, in their spare time. You writing will look absolutely ridiculous, if you exaggerate an ordinary topic like this with epic, and infrequent words. you can be sure that writing like this will definitely backfire, and eventually bring down your overall score.
Scholars: scholars have tried to elevate parents behavior? scholars don't do math, physics, biology, sociology, and all they did was sit, and elevate behavior of parents? which scientific discipline is exactly concerned, with this topic?! parentology maybe?! The ETS grader will certainly penalize you, for providing fictional, and non-convincing rationales. This sentence absolutely makes no sense, and will definitely bring down your overall score.
Never ending discussion...? You claim that academicians sit all day long, and talk endlessly about how parents should spend time with their children? at the same time you think ETS grader is stupid enough to buy this sentence, and accept it as a fact? Again this sentence will bring your overall score down. This is certainly a non-convincing sentence.
Others
Which opinion? you did not express your thesis explicitly, and will lose some points here.
constitute fundamental disagreement.: You don't CONSTITUTE disagreement. You EXPRESS disagreement. DO NOT CREATE NON-EXISTING COLLOCATIONS! YOU CANNOT CREATE COLLOCATIONS. YOU CAN ONLY USE EXISTING ONES. Read a dictionary more often to get yourself familiarized with word collocations.
The specific reasons which I think are most prevalent: Prevalent?! you suppose that the reasons you are about to say to support your thesis are prevalent nowadays? What does this even mean
You did not mention you reasons in short, in the thesis statement. This will reduce at least two points from your overall score.
Subscribe: Again. Wrong use of words. You don't subscribe to a view. You believe in a view.
Strategy?? You think parents are football coaches, and children are players, and parents should use strategies? Very poor choice of words.
Provides to...
guaranteeing the future: children guarantee the future? meaningless
Afford: Please refer to a dictionary to understand how to use the word "Afford" in a sentence. Obviously you picked this word from a wordlist without studying its usage, in a dictionary, and randomly used it here. At least one negative score here.
As regards: regariding
Virtues
Provide with: You seriously need to study a dictionary, to learn word collocations. One negative score here.
Statistics: You clearly do not know the meaning of this word. Refer to a dictionary
Epitomize: You clearly do not know how to use this word. Refer to a dictionary to learn the proper usage. Your word choice is VERY poor. You think you know sophisticated words, while you actually don't. The result is that your writing will look ridiculous, in the eyes of ETS grader. You are the very example of English learners who think they know more advanced words, but they actually don't, and their false confidence will work against them. This case in my opinion is worse than that of people who do not know many advanced words, and do not use them either!
The last but not least: This sentence is an interjection, and cannot be used as an adjective. Refer to a dictionary, please.
Arduous: This word is not every day English, and using it will bring your overall score down. Remember TOEFL requires every day English, not archaic words that are used in Medieval era.
For, not on! you certainly need to review the prepositions.
Accompanied
Practice on? Again you created collocations of your own. No one uses on with practice. This preposition for the word "practice" is wrong!
Staff????
Their entire time
an and s cannot be used simultanesouly
detractors?? Where did this come form? Who do you refer to?
Staple: wrong usage. Refer to a dictionary. You clearly do not know the meaning.
It is suggested that a survey conducted to pinpoint what other potential factor can boost the health of children: What purpose does this sever???
You did not summarize you reasons in conclusion. At least two scores here are lost

This certainly is a very poor writing. Your mistake is using words you are not fully familiar with, and not using every day English. Certainly a high school graduate can get a better score, even though he may be using less advanced words. The reasons is that he uses the right words, in the right place, correctly--certainly this is something you cannot do. Read a dictionary more often, and improve your English. You clearly have some problems, in basic grammar. Try to address them before learning "Advanced" words. KEEP IN MIND that reading a word in a wordlist does not mean you learnt it! read the synonyms, usage, collocations, pronunciation, and it's prepositions in a dictionary!