Some people believe that people who are successful in the life not only do things that they prosper in that, but also try new things and methods and take different risks,. but other believe that it is not true. I definitely believe people who really succeed, absolutely jeopardize in the life and interested to try diverse and novel things.
The most important reason that persuade me to agree with the statement is that trying new things give a chance for them to ascertain new results and experience things that they never had before, and nobody reaches them because of being afraid to take new perils. For example, one of my friends is very interested in climbing and she always wishes to climb to the Everest in her life. So, she stood against all her family and climbed Everest last year which was very dangerous for her because of her heart problem, but she did that well. That is why I really call her a successful person in her life.
Furthermore, taking new risks and not being interested in doing regular and typical things make a person brave and fortify the spirit of bravery .consequently, self-confident would be increased in the manner, and as all we know one of the vital necessities for being successful is having a strong feeling of confidence about ourselves. For instance, the friend that I talked about in the past paragraph became very confident about herself after her achievement, and it made her sure that she could do everything that she wanted. Therefor this virtue can make her more and more successful in the life.
To sum up, jeopardizing and accepting to have a different day from the past day is a very important consideration to become a successful person due to making novel chances to experience and the confidence that is resulted from that. Try to experience every thing new in life. Having the regular life will make your life repetitive and boring through time and it is not a route to success. Try new ones and start to becoming successful.
|Word Choice | انتخاب واژگان||inconsistent facility in sentence formation and word choice that may result in lack of clarity and occasionally obscure meaning: (3||3|
|Organization and Development | توسعه دادن نوشته||somewhat developed explanations, exemplifications, and/or details(3||3|
|Addressing Topic | بیان مسئله||Addresses well, but some points may not be fully elaborated: (4||4|
|Unity, Progression and Coherence | یک پارچگی متن||it may contain occasional redundancy, digression, or unclear connections(4||4|
|Grammar | ساختار های صحیح||demonstrating syntactic variety, occasional noticeable minor errors in structure(4||4|
|Vocabulary | املای صحیح||range of vocabulary, noticeable minor errors that do not interfere with meaning(4||4|
first of all, you need a comma to separate the clause containing not only from the clause which contains but also.
Do things that they prosper in ... it is enough to state do things that they prosper in and end the phrase!!! no need to add that after prosper in ...
تازه وقتس میگید things باید بعدش بگید prosper in them /those چون باید مطابق مرجعش جمع به کار بره در حالی که همونجور که گفتم نیازی نیست و خود do things that they prosper in یک جمله کامله که in داره به things اشاره می کنه و جمله کامله ... حتی می تونید خلاصه تر و شیک تر بگید جمله رو : Do things they prosper in یعنی حتی نیازی به that یا which هم نیست که به این کار میگن : reduction
جمله اول طولانی شده خوب نیست. بشکونیدش به دو قسمت :.take different risks نقطه حالا جملاه بعدی رو شروع کنید.
به جای but از معادل های بهتری نظیر however و nonetheless و nevertheless استفاده کنید. و بعد از آنها به کاما احتیاج هست یعنی However, others believe that
others should be in plural form here. other is wrong.
فعل jeopardize به معنی به مخاطره انداختن یک فعل transitive هست که در فارسی به آن فعل متعدی می گوییم یعنی فعلی که به مفعول احتیاج دارد حتما باید بعدش object بیاد. یعنی jeopardize sth همینجوری خالی نمیشه استفاده کرد اگر بدون مفعول بخواهید استفاه کنید risk مناسب تر است.
and are interested ... it should be passive voice
The most important reason that persuades me .. single verb rather than plural.
give a chance to them to ... not give a chance for them / You can alternatively use give them a chance to ...
when you start a new independent clause, you need to insert a comma. .. , and nobody reaches them
peril یعنی خطر شا اینجا منظورتون ریسک هست بیشتر تا چیز خطرناک.
Similarly, you need a comma after So. Why don;t you use Thus, Therefore, Consequently rather than simple term so?!
Everest is known ... stood against her family and climbed "the" Everest
Space is needed before consequently... Capitalize the first letter C. Use comma after consequently ...
ببین self-confident صفته اینجا ما به noun نیاز داریم :self-confidence
confidence ain ourselves rahter than about ...
manner here means spirit and soul. Manner is not an appropriate term.
بعد از for instance به comma نیاز می باشد. هیچ وقت تو رایتینگ تافل اینجوری آدرس نده که دوستم که تو پاراگراف قبل اشاره کردم. مثلا the aformentioned friend
دوباره confident in
چوا از زمان مشخصی حرف نزدی have become به جای became باید استفاده بشه
Therefore has an 'e' at the end. Besides, use comma after it.
دوباره همون مشکل jeopardize
هیچ وقت مصحح امتحان رو خطاب قرار نده نگو you همیشه سوم شخص .
start to become is correct not start to becoming
having a regular life/ not having the regular life
what do you mean by making novel chances?!!! The last paragraph has a long sentence and is clearly prepared in rush.
شما در زمینه گرامر حتما به کلاس خصوصی برای دوره کتاب betty azar :understanding grammar و همچنین کلاس رایتینگ تافل نیاز دارید با توجه به مشکلات کوجود. در صورت تمایل برای کلاس خصوصی تماس بگیرید و وقت بگیرید
مطلب اخر اینه که development متن خیلی ضعیفه همش از اول تا اخر میگید ریسک کردن تو زندگی خوبه به هیچ وجه شرح و بسط و development و organization خوب من نمی بینم