Throughout history, providing entertainment for children has been perpetually a concerning issue. There has been a controversy debate between scholars about what kinds of activities can flourish children's talents more efficient and what is not appropriate for them. One of the questions has been whether children should use technological entertainments like smart phones and video games or they should play outside with simpler toys. I personally contend that playing outside is more helpful for children's development. To substantiate my point of view, the following paragraphs will represent a cursory glance at the most outstanding reasons. The first prominent point to be mentioned is that while playing video games or using smart phones make the child serene and are harmful for their mental and physical health, playing outside and using simpler toys are very effective to increase their body movements which are necessary for a human to be healthy. Furthermore, they can breathe fresh air and use their muscles to run or walk. Take a personal example; I used to play video games 3 hours a day, when I was a little child. This inappropriate behavior caused bad backaches, when I grew up. Had I done some outside activities, I would never be always sick and weak. The second significant reason that I would like to bring is that most of the time outside entertaining can cause developments in children's creativity. They have to do something with their hands and should concentrate in order to get the appropriate result. As a personal example, one day walking in the beach, I saw some children creating sculptures using sand and sea water. These kinds of activities can not only increase children's creativity, but also teach them team-working while technological entertainments cannot. The last but not least point that one should consider is that video games often contain violent scenes which can have a bad affect on children's mind. Also, these technological entertainments make children stressed because of their special game designs. On the other hand, playing outside can release children's stresses and tensions and is useful for their mental health. To shed light on this issue, a noteworthy statistic revealed by a survey that conducted in my country shows that children who are playing video games are more likely to be criminals in the future. In short, all the aforementioned reasons lead us to the conclusion that it is better for children to play simpler toys or play outside with friends than use computers or other technological devices for fun. However, this was a story in a nutshell; actually, there are some other reasons and examples, challenging the issue, which are not mentioned above. Finally, it is suggested that a survey be conducted to assess children's development in different situations.
|Word Choice | انتخاب واژگان||appropriate word choice, and idiomaticity: (5||5|
|Organization and Development | توسعه دادن نوشته||somewhat developed explanations, exemplifications, and/or details(3||3|
|Addressing Topic | بیان مسئله||Addresses using somewhat developed explanations and details: (3||3|
|Unity, Progression and Coherence | یک پارچگی متن||it may contain occasional redundancy, digression, or unclear connections(4||4|
|Grammar | ساختار های صحیح||demonstrating syntactic variety, it may have minor lexical or grammatical errors(5||5|
|Vocabulary | املای صحیح||displays consistent facility in the use of language(5||5|
controversy : Controversial
efficient : Efficiently
serene : serene does not have disapproving implications
; : Inappropriate use of semicolon.
However, this was a story in a nutshell; actually, there are some other reasons and examples, challenging the issue, which are not mentioned above.: I suggested earlier that there is no point in mentioning this, and it will probably have negative outcomes. Your audience are expert ETS specialists, not some teenagers who are eager to know there might be some more reasons to mention. Please do not include unnecessary sentences, in your writing, for the sake of increasing your word count.
However, this was a story in a nutshell; actually, there are some other reasons and examples, challenging the issue, which are not mentioned above.: There is absolutely no point, in mentioning this sentence. As I stated earlier--and I wonder why you paid no attention, whatsoever--this is not a scholarly paper, in which you encourage future researchers to conduct a survey. Look at the question topic: Do you agree, or disagree... How does your sentence help in addressing this question? Your sentence could only be appropriate only when the topic of writing was like: Please describe ways to improve our findings about whether playing outside is good for children--or something like that.
Your writing segmentation has improved, but is yet far from a good writing:
1) You should state your reasons, briefly, both in thesis statement (first paragraph), and conclusion (last paragraph), and remember to paraphrase all the time. This is how a good writing should be:
You first state your reasons, in short (thesis statement), then state your reasons, in detail (three reasons, in three paragraphs), and then re-describe your reasons, in short(conclusion), and paraphrase. If you are able to do this, then you can have writing that is not far from perfect.