نمونه رایتینگ تافل با نمره‌ی wr53299

Topic: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? It is important to know about events happening around the world, even if it is unlikely that they will affect your daily life.

The issu of whether it is essential to be informed about the news around the world or not, has aroused some controversy of late. Numerous people from one camp are in supposition with the idea that emphasizes on being aware of all happening around the world. Their supposition is at variance with the conception of some others embracing the view that it is not a pitty to lose some news when you want to have a life in peace. In my opinion , the latter view carries more weights. The following will shed light on my vantage points.
First and the foremost, one cogent reason which warrants some attentions is that in our hectic world we are bombered with a lot of information everyday. if we pay attention to the all events even when they are irrelevent to our daily life, we really waste our time. It could be aptly epitomized by the following example, as a lawyer I just need to be aware of the latest changes about the laws and regulations , include domestic laws and international laws.In order to be a proffessional lawyer that is sufficient for me. Of course,I do not need to know what the reason is for the demonastration in China. It is not my duty. What can I do with this information? Hence, by ignoring irrelevent news I can have better concentration on my professional life.
Another tenable reason which should not go unnoticed is that irrelevent news or even related but not useful can increase our tentions and threaten our mental health. As a case in point, I was working in a company as a legal advisor, one day we found out that Japan had experience a terrible earthqauke. At that time all the television channels were covering this news second by second. However, It is necessary to know about the earthquake and the ways to rescue yourself and others in this situation, but, spreading too much news about the probabilty of experiencing another earthquakes and some other disaster will not help us at all. It was the thing I experienced when the japan earthquake happend. The news a


status score
Word Choice | انتخاب واژگان use of idiomatic language that do not interfere with meaning: (4 4
Organization and Development | توسعه دادن نوشته well developed, using clearly appropriate explanations, exemplifications, and/or details(5 5
Addressing Topic | بیان مسئله Effectively Addresses the topic and the task: (5 5
Unity, Progression and Coherence | یک پارچگی متن display fully unity, progression, and coherence(5 5
Grammar | ساختار های صحیح limited range of syntactic structures(3 3
Vocabulary | املای صحیح range of vocabulary, noticeable minor errors that do not interfere with meaning(4 4

نظر مشاور

در ابتدا یه سری غلط املایی داره که هایلایت کردم که متوجه شون بشی و چیزی که اولین نظر به چشم میاد استفاده زیاد از کلمه irrelevant هست و کلن تکرار یه کلمه هم توصیه نمیشه و بهتره که از هم معنی ها استفاده کنی.
پاراگراف اول عالی! کاملا مسأله عنوان شده و نوشتار فوق العاده
سعی کن در خط اول فقط دلیل ت رو بیاری و البته استفاده از keywordهای خود تاپیک
خب تا قبل از مثال معلومه که یه سری جمله ها تمپلیت وار نوشته شدن و اون ساختار قشنگی که میدیدیم رو تو جملات مثال نمیبینیم
علایم نگارشی درست استفاده نشدن. جملات خیلی کوتاه نشون دهنده اینه که فکر نشده جملات نوشته شده ولی پایانش خوبه
مثلا including و of course هم باید عوض بشه چون میخواد اونجا تضاد رو برسونه
یه اشتباه شدید دیگه استفاده از however و but با یک معنی در جمله ای که اصلا نیاز به هیچ کدوم نداره و بهتره از although استفاده بشه.

یکم اشتباهات گرامری تون زیاده اما ساحتار رو خوب مینویسید و همین کمک میکنه نمره بالایی بگیرید